July 30th

Trevor, if only you knew. Knew of the anguish and torment you stir inside me. Tonight, I saw you, but it didn’t mean anything, did it? It probably shouldn’t have, but now that the dance, the evening is over, I’m totally spent. I am at exhaustion and my emotions are sick. I am sick. I am also at a loss. I give up. Why try? It’s not leading me anywhere. I think right now that it never will. What more can I say? I’m totally drained and there is no way to explain how I feel. I adore you but you don’t care do you? It doesn’t make any difference? Does it? I’m so low at this moment. So tired, I’m tired of waiting for you, but I want you. So, so much. My body feels almost paralyzed now, dead. My stomach is queasy , and I feel almost sick. I’ve tried for you Trevor and I don’ t think I can try anymore. I’m too tired. My eyes are closing now, and I can tell my pictures will be of you. But you cause  me so much exhaustion and depression. It saddens me to think of you now. But that doesn’t matter, does it? You don’t feel  the same. I don’t matter to you. I’d might as well admit that to myself. You make me cry, Trevor, and not from joy but from the belief that I will never know you and that you’ll never care: and also from the pain. The pain that the sight of you brings. The pain of knowing and realizing, believing the truth  and denying it.

“Don’t push me too far,

Don’t push me to far

Tonight.

Hone on 

hold on tightly

For this love last forever.”

Your image is a killing at every thought.

I will be with no one

until it’s you.